amidthehoopla

Waiting for the flag to billow

on August 8, 2013

Well, I just beat the shit out of a pillow. My arms are sore, my stomach feels sour and my neck is tense. This blog was intended for me to have a creative outlet but it has turned into a way to relieve some stress and maybe get some support that I don’t feel like I have had lately. I am a very positive person and I try hard, sometimes too hard, to be such a kind and caring human being. I am angry today. Angry at people. God. Myself. I feel as though I am not enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Maybe because instead of seeing the big picture I find myself doing the same things over and over again or focusing on the things in life that may be insignificant to others. There is a beautiful soft rain outside, which I always pray for, and instead of enjoying it I am more worried about the stray cat that showed up a few weeks ago. She has babies somewhere but she keeps getting chased up the tree everyday when all she wants to do is eat and then go and feed her kittens. The other stray cat keeps chasing her and fighting with her and I have been out several times today to coax her down. Now its raining and I tried and tried to get her down and she is sitting up with her head against a branch and falling asleep. You know the neighbors think I am crazy! I am always going into the woods and yelling for it or coming out with the other stray cat. If I saw someone doing this I would most definitely think the girl was looney.  Why do I care so much? Why can’t I see that I have no control over it? I can’t climb the fucking tree and you know for a brief moment I debated it!  I prayed about it but nothing has been happening. I get the advice ” let go and let God” which is what I usually try to do in situations like this but I wonder if there is more that I can do? Why isn’t God answering my prayers to help this little girl? If animals are here to teach us something, which I believe, what is she here to teach me? To learn to let go and that I cannot control every situation? That not everything in the world rests on my shoulders? Why can’t I let it go? I need more to do with my time and I am venturing south for a few days so I will have to let it go. About a year ago I wouldn’t even admit anything in my life was wrong because I thought I had to be perfect. Well, what a difference a year makes. Now here I am posting it into a virtual abyss, every deep thought and worry I have had today about a kitty in the rain. The reality of life is that no matter how good you are and how positive you strive for, you do have days when you just have to cuss and punch your pillow until you are blue in the face. It’s OK to have a small mental breakdown which you can usually laugh about later because it all seems so silly. Life is like that. You get so damn serious about something but if you could see yourself in a play, it would most likely be a comedy rather than tragedy. I am always humbled by a greater being after all is said and done. Until then I am waiting patiently for my flag to billow! I know greater things are coming. 

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One response to “Waiting for the flag to billow

  1. lynnkennison says:

    I am a big believer in that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I may not know the reasons why or how, but I guess I find comfort in believing that it should be. I feel sorry for the stray mommy cat, I too am an animal lover, but it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to help her. Punching the pillow may help you:)

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